The Schisms
Where there is tea, there is disagreement. Where there is disagreement, there are factions. Where there are factions, someone is wrong about milk.
The Great Tea Schisms
The Tea People's Front
Milk first, always.
The People's Tea Front
Tea first, then milk.
The Loose Leaf Liberation Front
Bags are sacrilege.
The Popular Front of Tea
Squeezes the bag.
The Judean Teapot Front
Only clay pots are valid.
“Splitters!” — The traditional cry when a Pot grows too large and divides into two.
What Have the Coffee Drinkers Ever Done for Us?
“Well, they did invent the café…”
“Oh, cafés, yes, obviously cafés…”
“And they stay open late…”
“Yes, alright, late opening hours…”
“And they gave us the flat white…”
“Okay, but apart from cafés, late hours, and the flat white —”
“Tiramisu.”
“…yes, tiramisu, obviously…”
“Espresso martinis.”
“Right, right, but apart from all that, what have coffee drinkers ever done for us?”
“…They do smell pretty good in the morning.”
Coffee Terminology
The Caffeinated / Bean Counters
Coffee drinkers
A fence-sipper / Bi-beverage
Someone who drinks both
Gone to the dark roast
A tea drinker who defected
Turning a bean
Converting a coffee drinker
Warning Signs of Coffee Infiltration
- Excessive use of Italian words (latte, macchiato, affogato)
- Claiming to be “not a morning person” without tea
- Suspiciously detailed opinions about “crema”
- Arriving with a Keep Cup that smells of betrayal
- Asking if you've tried “bulletproof” anything
- Using “espresso” as a verb
The Afterlife
The Elysian Steeps
Tea heaven. Infinite varieties at perfect temperature. The biscuit tin never empties. Earl Grey flows like rivers. Every cup is exactly the right strength. You never have to share the last Hobnob.
Purgatea
Eternal lukewarm, over-sweetened instant coffee. No biscuits. Only those little individually-wrapped mints from hotels. The milk is always UHT. Someone is permanently microwaving fish in the next room.
The Dark Roast
We don't speak of it. Only decaf. Always burnt. The milk is always off. There are no spoons. The kettle takes forty-five minutes to boil. When it finally does, someone has already taken the last mug.
The Sacred Duty of Conversion
Converting a coffee drinker (known as “turning a bean”) is considered one of the most meritorious acts a Leaf can perform. The ranks of conversion are:
“Friends don't let friends drink Frappuccinos.”